I'm not who you think I am.

Feeling utterly defeated today.
Failed at the only thing I have control over.
My body is strong, my mind is stronger.
I can win.

I've stopped feeling.

I know the consequences, still I keep doing it.
My mind has so much power. Power even over my body.
So confused about everything. Always find myself thinking 'why me?'. Why do I have to go through this? Why does nobody else see what I see?
How can they go through a day without the unwanted thoughts that plague my mind every second of the day.
Manifesting in my mind, until I can't think straight, even in the face of logic.
What is happening to me?
Why me?

I feel sick when I eat,
I feel sick when I don't eat.
It's like a never ending cycle, which can never be overcome.
I feel guilty for eating,
I feel guilty for not eating.
Letting so many people down, and this is only the beginning.

Not sure what happened today. Can't stop thinking about it. Not sure what to feel, my mind is blank.
Feeling like I'm digging myself in deeper as the days go by. Hoping noboby notices. Hoping everyone notices.
So many unanswered questions, so many thoughts

I've never been so lost.
I've never felt so much at home.

The air is filled with dust and dying dreams.

Sitting here, tears running down my face;
Feeling nothing

It's like I can't see anything, trapped inside a murky bubble. Looking out at the world through foggy eyes. Seeing things second hand, feelings and emotions subdued. Nothing is real anymore. I sit and watch the person I have become.

Dressed up as myself, to live in the shadow of who I'm supposed to be.

Is this what my life is these days? Staying up all night just to get that rush. To see the sun break the horizon as it gently caresses the rooftops. Where people sleep soundly, happy in their security. In far off places, things are happening. Things that could someday significantly change humanity. Where babies where born, families are united, and smiles grace the faces of children.
Is happiness ever fully achieved?

I wake up and think dreams are real,
I sleep so I don't have to feel,
I hope that dreams come when I die,
So we can talk, I won't wake up,
I'll ask you how your life worked out,
I'll never know that I'm just dreaming.

She still carries the trauma, of experiences past, embedded deep into her mind. It happened when she was a child, and she still carries the memories around.
Memories of fear, pain, of utter betrayal. She wishes they could be erased. Oh, how she wishes. She thought the people she loved the most would keep her safe.
Innocent and carefree, not yet contaminated by society. But they forced her into maturity; into understanding something she surely couldn't. She tried, and now she bears the scars, too deep to heal. Thrown into the whirlpool of memories, standing out like happiness in a hospital. Resurfacing to taunt her, to remind her of the pain, the humiliation, the tears. She thought she trusted them. She was wrong. Loving and trusting, as only a child can be, she gave them her heart. They ripped it to shreds, utterly betraying her. Leaving her a mess, living in fear. A constant reminder of her differences.
Fuck them.

'Where does one go from a world of insanity? Somewhere on the other side of despair'
- T.S. Eliot

Words are only letters.
Letters are only lines.
Meaning is what makes us.

iamoutofmymind

Disappointment.
Im sick of it. So fucking sick of it. When people tell me that I'm not good enough, that if I don't try, I won't succeed. Well, guess what? I've never wanted to succeed. Not in the ways you hoped. I know I've let people down, I don't need a constant reminder every day. Those phrases that are so commonly spoken, you don't know what they do to me. Because, I've never wanted to impress you. My purpose in life was never to make you happy, make you proud. I don't give a fuck what you think.
I care about what I think. And if I'm happy, I'm happy. You don't fit into this equation anywhere.
I need to push you away to find myself.
I'm sorry.

I love that nobody cares.

My life is going nowhere,
Sitting here, doing nothing about it,
Time is slipping through my fingers,
I do nothing to change,
Thinking about things that will never happen,
Conjuring up impossible dreams,
That exist only within my head,
That will never happen,
No matter how hard I try,
Nothing ever comes out of the good things,
They morph into dark shadows,
Things that I used to enjoy,
Now I'm turning distant,
Pushing people away,
Thinking of smoky darkness,
My life has become materialistic,
The simplest things make me happy,
The simplest things make me sad,
Trying to put up the happy facade,
Fitting the stereotype,
Trying to be individual,
While everybody is,
Now we're just clones,
Trying desperately to stand out,
In this cruel world that we like to call home,
Where home is supposed to be a happy place,
Now look where it's gotten us,
How could anybody love me,
I'm out of my fucking mind,
My thoughts are scattered,
Soon everybody will leave me,
There always has to be darkness,
I cannot shake this cloud,
I can struggle, I can fight,
But still I am trapped,
Held captive by my own mind.

This morning I watched lightning while the sun rose.
It was possibly the most magical experience of my life.

It's the start of a new year.
Another three hundred and sixty five days of trying to heal the scars of the past.

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that frightens us most'
-Nelson Mandela