Goodbye?

Feeling alive again.
Maybe that's not such a good thing.
Why the fuck should I need medication to be 'happy'?
I think I like feeling empty, spontaneous, and absolutely out of my fucking mind.
... Help

Bulimia.

It's ruining my life, day by day. Why me? Why do I have to live this terrible nightmare? I've forgotten what it feels like to be normal. Im sick of living this lie, living inside my head. I have voices in my head. They scream at me when I fuck up, they tell me that I must be thin. I have to please them, which I can't do.

I'm ruining my body. My fingers have giant cuts, my knuckles are scraped raw. My throat is constantly swollen; It hurts to swallow. My hair is falling out. I barely have any energy anymore.

I have panic attacks, I never used to. The other day I had a major meltdown because the microwave wouldnt work. I curled up into a ball on the kitchen floor, screaming and crying. What kind of normal person does that?

I think about suicide nearly every day. I bury myself under drugs and alcohol, hoping to forget this terrible nightmare. I go for walks at night along busy roads, and watch the headlights of cars passing, thinking how easy it would be just end it all.

I need to wake up from this nightmare.

I'm scared.

Fucking up my life, day by boring day.
No idea what's happened.
Nobody knows.
I'm not who you think I am, anymore.

I'm not who you think I am.

Feeling utterly defeated today.
Failed at the only thing I have control over.
My body is strong, my mind is stronger.
I can win.

I've stopped feeling.

I know the consequences, still I keep doing it.
My mind has so much power. Power even over my body.
So confused about everything. Always find myself thinking 'why me?'. Why do I have to go through this? Why does nobody else see what I see?
How can they go through a day without the unwanted thoughts that plague my mind every second of the day.
Manifesting in my mind, until I can't think straight, even in the face of logic.
What is happening to me?
Why me?

I feel sick when I eat,
I feel sick when I don't eat.
It's like a never ending cycle, which can never be overcome.
I feel guilty for eating,
I feel guilty for not eating.
Letting so many people down, and this is only the beginning.

Not sure what happened today. Can't stop thinking about it. Not sure what to feel, my mind is blank.
Feeling like I'm digging myself in deeper as the days go by. Hoping noboby notices. Hoping everyone notices.
So many unanswered questions, so many thoughts

I've never been so lost.
I've never felt so much at home.

The air is filled with dust and dying dreams.

Sitting here, tears running down my face;
Feeling nothing

It's like I can't see anything, trapped inside a murky bubble. Looking out at the world through foggy eyes. Seeing things second hand, feelings and emotions subdued. Nothing is real anymore. I sit and watch the person I have become.

Dressed up as myself, to live in the shadow of who I'm supposed to be.

Is this what my life is these days? Staying up all night just to get that rush. To see the sun break the horizon as it gently caresses the rooftops. Where people sleep soundly, happy in their security. In far off places, things are happening. Things that could someday significantly change humanity. Where babies where born, families are united, and smiles grace the faces of children.
Is happiness ever fully achieved?

I wake up and think dreams are real,
I sleep so I don't have to feel,
I hope that dreams come when I die,
So we can talk, I won't wake up,
I'll ask you how your life worked out,
I'll never know that I'm just dreaming.

She still carries the trauma, of experiences past, embedded deep into her mind. It happened when she was a child, and she still carries the memories around.
Memories of fear, pain, of utter betrayal. She wishes they could be erased. Oh, how she wishes. She thought the people she loved the most would keep her safe.
Innocent and carefree, not yet contaminated by society. But they forced her into maturity; into understanding something she surely couldn't. She tried, and now she bears the scars, too deep to heal. Thrown into the whirlpool of memories, standing out like happiness in a hospital. Resurfacing to taunt her, to remind her of the pain, the humiliation, the tears. She thought she trusted them. She was wrong. Loving and trusting, as only a child can be, she gave them her heart. They ripped it to shreds, utterly betraying her. Leaving her a mess, living in fear. A constant reminder of her differences.
Fuck them.

'Where does one go from a world of insanity? Somewhere on the other side of despair'
- T.S. Eliot

Words are only letters.
Letters are only lines.
Meaning is what makes us.

iamoutofmymind