Goodbye?

Feeling alive again.
Maybe that's not such a good thing.
Why the fuck should I need medication to be 'happy'?
I think I like feeling empty, spontaneous, and absolutely out of my fucking mind.
... Help

Bulimia.

It's ruining my life, day by day. Why me? Why do I have to live this terrible nightmare? I've forgotten what it feels like to be normal. Im sick of living this lie, living inside my head. I have voices in my head. They scream at me when I fuck up, they tell me that I must be thin. I have to please them, which I can't do.

I'm ruining my body. My fingers have giant cuts, my knuckles are scraped raw. My throat is constantly swollen; It hurts to swallow. My hair is falling out. I barely have any energy anymore.

I have panic attacks, I never used to. The other day I had a major meltdown because the microwave wouldnt work. I curled up into a ball on the kitchen floor, screaming and crying. What kind of normal person does that?

I think about suicide nearly every day. I bury myself under drugs and alcohol, hoping to forget this terrible nightmare. I go for walks at night along busy roads, and watch the headlights of cars passing, thinking how easy it would be just end it all.

I need to wake up from this nightmare.

I'm scared.

Fucking up my life, day by boring day.
No idea what's happened.
Nobody knows.
I'm not who you think I am, anymore.

I'm not who you think I am.

Feeling utterly defeated today.
Failed at the only thing I have control over.
My body is strong, my mind is stronger.
I can win.

I've stopped feeling.